Carrying on, counting down the days – soon I’ll be out of here, and thankful to be done.
I wonder if I’m not spending too much time here. If I’m not giving good years of my life to some unfeeling monster once again. I’m getting older and I see it everyday.
“Name your price” I heard it said once. Before embarking or entering into a profession, “name your price”. I thought to myself once, that if this job ever interfered with the raising of a child, then I would leave. I wonder now however how old I’ll be before I have a child. It makes me a little nervous.
Try to stay sane and treat each event as a learning experience.
I don’t have much to say at the moment. I feel an inner anxiety or a little anxiousness at the moment, and I’m not quite sure why. I don’t know if I’ve gone astray in some way. I feel outside pressures and performance evaluations might pull me in different directions when it comes to initiating or taking part in more authentic dialogue. I thought for a moment I might be resentful of my station.
I entered into this profession… I would like to say idealistically, because I love dialogue… but of course this love could have manifested itself… or I could express this love and live it out in any number of ways. I chose this profession, if I want to be honest, out of a fear or the lord – because I began to fear uncertain future and the possibility of being alone. I sought out stability because I feared that a lack of meaning might one day penetrate me to the core and leave me hollowed out and desiring my own end. I feared my own wretched decay, I saw my own withering and I was haunted this by idea.
My current occupation provides the means that will allow me a certain level of stability. My occupation allows me to contribute, to effectively provision the resources for my family, in companionship with another. I should make sure things don’t become inverted, and that I don’t instead give myself over to the job – making myself uninteresting in the process.
Spiritually, I wonder what kind of growth I’ve achieved here. I’ve read very little. Maybe I’ve become a little more cynical, or maybe more loving in practice… I’m not sure. A number of apprehensions have fallen off, and maybe I’m acquiring some skills that allow me to better navigate social situations and “put on a good face.” I can’t exactly say.
Upwards and onwards… I need to believe that once again.
Things are not all so bad however.
“Keep on keepin’ on” They’ll put that on tombstone, and everyone will see how far I’ve gone… and that I ended exactly where I started.