Giving oneself over to something less than ideal. Through a thousand little pinpricks, a thousand tiny humiliations and thousand compromises, I’ve landed myself here. The work is enervating and would soon leave me soulless. A lack of reflection, a lack depth and subtly. Appearance is more important than reality it often seems. China is the backwater I’ve feared it to be. Writing within the surveillance state – even putting these words down should give me cause for concern. At the moment I’m somewhat carefree and somewhat manic, with a lightness of being, throwing caution to the wind.
I’ve become more employable, I think… I hope… it’s one redeeming quality of being here. Over the last five years I’ve been making myself steadily more employable – what a laugh! I can’t say if my life is any more fulfilling, or if I now taste life more fully than before. I’ve perhaps numbed myself to so much beauty, giving myself over to the exigencies of the moment – performance evaluations, examinations, filing applications.
Giving oneself over to what? Giving myself over to what? A few quite words typed out.
I don’t think I could let myself hate it here. I would hope that I still stand tall enough or proud enough to leave before that happens. Mao wasn’t the greatest person to ever live, Taiwan isn’t a part of China, there is no free speech here, there is no freedom of the press and there is massive surveillance.
Every country has its problems, but what is most shameful about China is its inability, from a grassroots level, to deal with these problems. These problems simply don’t exist.
I don’t know how to respect a people that doesn’t care about free speech, that doesn’t care about a free press, that doesn’t care about having a say in how their government is run, or about having a say in the decisions that bear down on them.
Getting one’s dick sucked by a lithe pale-skinned ¥2200 an hour whore and driving a foreign car – the good life encapsulated. Appearance is more important than reality.
I’m struggling to see the beauty of being here sometimes.
Edit: The original post was more forceful in tone. I wouldn’t put it beyond government censors within this country to make my life difficult for even these minor transgressions, therefore, I’ve softened things somewhat.