I’m happy to have a place where I can write, a forum where I can reveal myself and open up my thoughts to the world.
At the same time, I’m worried about how I may internalize expectations. Writing before any audience, even an imagined audience, I can imagine myself conforming to expectations. I think of who I’d like to be – in front of them, under their eyes – yet they (you my audience) are barely anything but a phantasm to me at this moment. What kind of contortions I might make, an affected style. I’d wince under any spotlight, and all the more so when greeted with an applause – smiling through the pain with a bad conscience.
I can’t say if any of this is true.