I know I’m terribly abused here.  Every time I leave, I realize how badly I needed to get away.  Not long after leaving the grounds I come to my senses, and begin to see with a little more clarity.  I wake up to my rights in some way and realize what I’ve missed.  I question who I’ve been working for, and although I know I need a good reference, should I sacrifice so much for someone who really hasn’t done their due diligence, and merely seeks to shift a burden onto someone more accommodating?

It’s all smiles when I’m around the boss – of course it is.  And I’m meek and, once again, accommodating.  I think of the time I’ve lost here, what I’ve given up, and it really does seem like a terrible thing.  I see the furrows in my brow get deeper.  I see how the fat hangs off my body.  I grow thick, and the once slender and gracile body of youth gives way to something more ungainly and decrepit.  There is still pride in these bones, but I know it’s fading.

I saw many beautiful women on my recent trip.  I thought, upon returning, how does indeed seem to be some health giving qualities for a man to be around beautiful women.

I see how domesticated I am.  I wonder what I give for stability.  I don’t even know if it’s for a wife and child now, or if it’s for stability – the freedom to work another day, or to be free of uncertainty.

I know I’m getting old and I need to “establish” myself.  To become more employable.  I suppose it’s such a wretched thing… and it really does seem that way.

I’m happy to write.  Things aren’t really that bad, I know, but when I think of what could have been, or how this year might have been different, I think I’ve really missed out.  Thinking that a good employee was not only accommodating, but damn near submissive to the utmost extreme, i took on a great burden without entirely thinking the consequences through.  How meek and subservient.

I hope to live a little more freely, although I do feel trapped somewhat in this position.  The rules of the game have shifted mid way and I do feel deceived.

I’ll see if anything can be changed tomorrow.

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