One more day and the restlessness grows… restlessness and anxiety. I think about whittling down the remaining time here, and when I’ll be free. I’m nervous about the approaching week. I question my base of knowledge and competency, and my ability to bring forth and communicate the curriculum. There are perhaps rather mundane matters a little removed from the existential questioning that usually takes place here, but it occupies my mind at any rate.
I think of leaving, more as a dream or some fantasy than anything else – like some sweet reverie that momentarily takes me away from this place. I have little things that occupy me now. I’m looking forward to getting back into the “swing of things” as well… because I know things will move quickly then. It’s this waiting that’s getting to me now.
I think of building for tomorrow, or perhaps that’s all I can tell myself now.
It seems quite strange to have an online diary in the next moment – or something that approximates to it.
I remember when the name of this website was an injunction, and I suppose it still is in better times… but I also weave in and out, as this website takes on different forms and serves different purposes. I suppose right now it’s as much a distraction or way to bring out the time a little – or cathartic as much as anything else.
It’s a restlessness that drives me now, and an inner tension. I can’t let myself be still, because then I’ll be inundated once again with thoughts of… tomorrow I suppose, and questions of my fitness… I don’t know.
I was once fragile, leicht berührt oder leicht getroffen. I feel I’ve perhaps made myself hard to the world now, or worse dead inside… and unfeeling. I suffer quietly, if at all. Stillness is tolerable… even though I know it isn’t, in better times.
I write out of compulsion, running now, fearing silence. So I speak very little.