I feel a little lonely at the moment. It’s strange being so far away from those that are closest to me, that provide me with a sense of self and some stability. I see and remember myself and who I am partly through their eyes, and their expectations of me, which has I suppose been a curse; providing solidity and constancy at times, and at other times, acting like something of a cage.
Important conversations don’t go well over the phone. We come to some agreement or some misunderstanding – maybe it scarcely matters – and I feel we both in part diverge a little, or move down separate roads. Independence, gaining one’s independence or at least moving in that direction… can sometimes be like tearing off a scab and once again opening up a wound.
I don’t know what I want… I have some idea I suppose.
I walked down the halls today with a certain disinterest in all the trivialities. My priorities… as if I’ve had blinders on and I’d been incredibly myopic… how near sighted of me, when I find myself concerned with all these passing trifles.
I do my best to make myself liked, to be accommodating and helpful, and to keep an ear open to learn what those with more experience might teach me. Other times I’m miles away, walking through these halls, wondering why or how the hell I got here.
I think I’ve hurt someone that I love, and that’s an incredibly painful thing. I think I should have kept silent and hid parts of myself away… that I could have spared their feelings. Coming to some kind of disagreement so far away, I don’t know if we eventually greet eachother asdifferent people, knowing a little more of one another and having our relationship changed. I thought shortly after our call that I could have spared her feelings, and that perhaps I’d something irrevocable. I don’t exactly know where I stand.
I can’t pretend that this life is necessary, or that it’s the only one I could have lived. At the same time, my own will and actions have brought me here.
“You’re born, you struggle, and you die,” and life makes no promises, so I suppose it’s best to seize the day and live fully, forthrightly and honestly. Life is of course tremendously beautiful and the most miraculous of gifts, and sometimes I feel I have no understanding of any of it.
Till we meet again,